he wasn't supposed to be in our house that night, it was a last-minute thing. he was sleeping downstairs and not in one of the bedrooms, that's why my killer missed him, i think. but i knew he was there. and he only said "i already killed your parents". he didn't mention rohan.
i pushed him out of the window and into the bushes. i was going to go out after him but then i heard my killer in the hallway outside the den and i knew if i tried to go out he'd see me in the middle of climbing out, and then he'd kill both of us.
so i shut the window and made it look like i couldn't get it open in time.
[Her apartment isn't like Abbacchio's. It doesn't look like a Romanian castle exploded inside it; it's not gothed out or monochromatic or ornate. It's also not pink and fluffy, or bold and tomboyish, or...anything. It really isn't anything, just the plain spartan furnishings that the unit came with when it was first cracked open, nothing rearranged, nothing added for personality.
Well, no, that's a lie. There's an Amegaharan glass vase on the coffee table, and toys for Arnold scattered on the floor. And the door to her bedroom is shut, but there's a little more clutter behind it — clothes, shoes, color.
But the front room, it's like she doesn't know what to do with it, really. Like she's a ghost haunting someone else's house, instead of residing in her own.]
Hi, Abbacchio.
[She opens the door carefully, peeking out before letting him in properly, and staying behind to shut and latch it behind him.]
[Once upon a time, his previous apartments were not too unlike this when he felt... worse. Worse than now. Because it doesn't always seem like it, but he really is better now than he used to be. There'd hardly be anything with a personal touch back in his old places. They were places to sleep in, drink in, pass out in -- hardly anything else.
For Reimi, she doesn't seem to know what to do with herself. Who could blame her, after years and years of being a ghost?
When he's inside, he holds out his arms, inviting her instead of pulling her in.]
[She doesn't so much move into his arms as she does fall into them, managing to keep herself upright only as long as it takes to get to a place where she can just slump and let him support her with her face turned just enough that it's her cheek resting against his chest, and not her nose.]
Remember the day we went shopping? Back during Cordis, when I was upset. Because I found out that someone important to me had forgotten me.
[She mumbles against the fabric of his shirt.]
I thought he remembered me from before but he doesn't. He didn't remember me at all, until someone told him who I was.
[As soon as she gets close, Abbacchio is embracing her, tight and protective. Slowly, he pets her hair, scowling quietly to himself, wishing he knew a better way to make her feel better.]
That's why, huh.
[No wonder. Even if, honestly, it isn't even really Rohan's fault. He was a kid, and the entire thing was probably traumatizing, enough to make him forget such a thing. But Reimi's also in her right to be upset, too.]
Hey. You're really damned brave. I knew I was right, saying you're strong.
You're fucking incredible, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees it.
[Well, one of the worst parts, at least. Maybe not the very worst. It's hard to judge the very worst, all things considered.]
He's famous now. And — and doing something he loves, that he was always good at. And I don't even —
[Her voice wobbles, then cracks, then finally breaks into a single quiet sob that she muffles against his chest.]
I don't even know what I would've done. Probably I wouldn't have even...wouldn't have even amounted to anything. But dead I helped catch him. Isn't that funny? It was better that I died. I wasn't going to be anything, anyway, and everything turned out better because I was dead...
You don't know that for sure. And you know what, who cares if you would've led a boring life? It would have been yours.
[The hand on her hair moves down to gently pat her back. And-- it happens before he can think to stop it, but Moody Blues does emerge, tilting his head in concern. So, another hand, a third is on her shoulder.]
But you don't know. You really don't. And now you have that chance to figure it out.
You can be pissed or sad or confused about it. You might not even know for awhile what you're even going to do, but you'll figure it out eventually.
[It's better that than having a dream all your life, and then pissing in it because you're weak. Because you're not strong enough. That's the way he sees it.]
[It takes her a second before she realizes that there's something wrong — one too many hands on her body — and she jumps a little before she looks over just enough to see that familiar flash of purple out of the corner of her eye. It's just Moody Blues, it's okay. Just Moody Blues, shy and sweet and so happy to see her.]
The world didn't need my life. That's what it feels like. It all moved on without me.
[She sighs, sniffling.]
That feels so bitter and selfish. I just hate feeling left out! Left out and left behind. It feels like I didn't matter. Like nothing I was when I was alive even mattered a single bit.
Sorry, he just-- kind of popped out. [But he doesn't shoo away Moody Blues. It's probably fine that that he's here, but it was a surprise, him popping out.]
I get that.
[And he does. That maybe the most significant, important thing he did was dying. But it's not quite the same; at least there were people who remembered him.
Reimi wasn't so lucky. The most important person to her doesn't remember her from his childhood.]
Is part of it because Rohan doesn't remember you from then?
[He just sort of popped out. There's something weirdly reassuring in that, somehow; Stands are supposed to be things that their users control, that are a part of them. But this makes it sound like even Moody Blues didn't want her to be sad, and came out all on his own to see his friend.
That's so nice...it's such a nice thought.]
I don't even know why I thought it was so i-important...he was just a little kid! Nobody remembers things from when they were little, I don't — I d-don't know why...
[She sniffles again; at this point, the sensible thing seems to be to just embrace the catharsis that will come of venting all of this, and go with it. She's been carrying it like a secret for a long time alone, after all.]
He's...a part of me, you know? I don't think you can die for someone without them becoming a part of you. And finding that out...it felt like, like I wasn't a part of him, somehow. I'm not...haha, I can't explain it at all, it sounds so crazy, right? But I just felt so bad...it's so stupid to feel bad about it...
I get it. He was just a kid, and maybe the whole thing was too much for him to remember. But it hurts, and that's fine, Reimi. You feel hurt, then you let yourself.
[Moody Blues slowly rests his head on top of Reimi's, and Abbacchio keeps stroking down her back. Hell, if she wants to spend all night crying on him, he's going to let her. No question about it.]
It's good that you told me. I'm the fucking king at holding shit to myself and I know it can fuck with you.
You can be sad or angry or whatever the hell you have to be. You got every right to that. You're not a flawless saint, you're a person.
S-Sometimes it just feels like...like I'm going to burst, you know? But I didn't have anybody to say this stuff to. It felt like I couldn't, and...
[She slumps a little more, letting the comfortable weight of Moody Blues press her down like a blanket.]
I tried really hard to just do something else. Make myself feel better. Make it go away. I don't want him to know I feel like this because it'll just make him feel bad, and guilty, and then he'll try to fix it and I'll just feel worse...
It's not fair! It's not fair and I know it's not fair, it's not like it changes anything. I thought I was done crying about stuff like this. That's all I did for the first...I don't know. Year, maybe, I think I stopped by the time the first year was over. I just screamed and cried and kicked and nobody heard me, and pretty soon I just stopped.
I don't care how long it takes. You can be as sad as you need to be, and you can do it around me. You have every right to that. This shit isn't fair to you.
[He reaches down, cupping her face so he can look at her. Gently, he's wiping off her tears.]
I got you. Like you've got my back. [And he won't fuck that up. Never again.]
[Her lip trembles, but she lets him lift her face, her vision blurred as she tries to look at him and fights to keep any more tears from spilling over.]
I don't want them to know I feel like this. Because...they already did so much for me, and, and, and when it was just...you know, about catching the guy who killed me, there was an ending to it, you know? "We'll help Reimi-san", and then they did — I don't want to take that away from them. And I really thought I was done, too, I thought I was going to heaven and I was going to see Mom and Dad...
[A half-sob rattles in her throat again.]
But now it's over with and I'm still here...you know? So I don't even have that anymore. I don't want the only thing about me to be that some monster killed me. But it feels like I don't have anything else, and I know, I know I have to try things and make a future for myself but it just...sometimes it's so hard and I don't even know who I am.
M-Maybe that's why it hurt so much. Because when I'm with Rohan I know who I am, and I thought he did too. But that's not good either, right? To only know who you are because of who you are to someone else?
Then just tell me, if you have to. Don't keep it to yourself.
[Moody Blues rubs his cheek against the top of her head, reaching out to hesitantly take her hand. Abbacchio slowly strokes her hair back.]
There's a lot I haven't said to the others either. Not because I don't think they'll listen. [They're idiots, but he loves his idiots, so.] But I just... I don't want them to have to think about before. Or that I can't do anything for them.
And defining yourself because of a person -- I'm just as guilty for that. I was useless and I was going to die before Bucciarati found me. After that, I dedicated everything to him. Even when it was smarter to not follow his lead when we betrayed the Boss.
[And he told Bruno, I only feel at peace when I'm with you. That still feels true. He's less miserable now than he'd been before, but he still feels wretched without Bruno. He wonders if he's ever going to be okay without him, and he knows how unfair it is to put that upon him.]
I can't give you any good advice. But I hear you. I get it. I promise.
I was really scared. Even just to say this much, I was scared...I don't want anyone to know that he's the little kid I talk about when I think of home.
[She squeezes Moody Blues's hand, rubbing at her damp cheek with a fist made out of her free hand.]
I know he's hard to get along with. Sometimes he's even mean. But I don't want anybody to use me against him and I'm sure that they will, if they know. Someday someone will get mad and say, "I don't even know why Reimi died for you, you don't deserve it," and I can't — I won't, I can't let that happen.
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he wasn't supposed to be in our house that night, it was a last-minute thing. he was sleeping downstairs and not in one of the bedrooms, that's why my killer missed him, i think. but i knew he was there. and he only said "i already killed your parents". he didn't mention rohan.
i pushed him out of the window and into the bushes. i was going to go out after him but then i heard my killer in the hallway outside the den and i knew if i tried to go out he'd see me in the middle of climbing out, and then he'd kill both of us.
so i shut the window and made it look like i couldn't get it open in time.
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are you home right now?
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[And he does message her that he's outside of her door before knocking. Since that feels the most polite thing to do, considering the circumstances.]
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Well, no, that's a lie. There's an Amegaharan glass vase on the coffee table, and toys for Arnold scattered on the floor. And the door to her bedroom is shut, but there's a little more clutter behind it — clothes, shoes, color.
But the front room, it's like she doesn't know what to do with it, really. Like she's a ghost haunting someone else's house, instead of residing in her own.]
Hi, Abbacchio.
[She opens the door carefully, peeking out before letting him in properly, and staying behind to shut and latch it behind him.]
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For Reimi, she doesn't seem to know what to do with herself. Who could blame her, after years and years of being a ghost?
When he's inside, he holds out his arms, inviting her instead of pulling her in.]
Hey.
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Remember the day we went shopping? Back during Cordis, when I was upset. Because I found out that someone important to me had forgotten me.
[She mumbles against the fabric of his shirt.]
I thought he remembered me from before but he doesn't. He didn't remember me at all, until someone told him who I was.
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That's why, huh.
[No wonder. Even if, honestly, it isn't even really Rohan's fault. He was a kid, and the entire thing was probably traumatizing, enough to make him forget such a thing. But Reimi's also in her right to be upset, too.]
Hey. You're really damned brave. I knew I was right, saying you're strong.
You're fucking incredible, and I'm glad I'm not the only one who sees it.
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[Well, one of the worst parts, at least. Maybe not the very worst. It's hard to judge the very worst, all things considered.]
He's famous now. And — and doing something he loves, that he was always good at. And I don't even —
[Her voice wobbles, then cracks, then finally breaks into a single quiet sob that she muffles against his chest.]
I don't even know what I would've done. Probably I wouldn't have even...wouldn't have even amounted to anything. But dead I helped catch him. Isn't that funny? It was better that I died. I wasn't going to be anything, anyway, and everything turned out better because I was dead...
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[The hand on her hair moves down to gently pat her back. And-- it happens before he can think to stop it, but Moody Blues does emerge, tilting his head in concern. So, another hand, a third is on her shoulder.]
But you don't know. You really don't. And now you have that chance to figure it out.
You can be pissed or sad or confused about it. You might not even know for awhile what you're even going to do, but you'll figure it out eventually.
[It's better that than having a dream all your life, and then pissing in it because you're weak. Because you're not strong enough. That's the way he sees it.]
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The world didn't need my life. That's what it feels like. It all moved on without me.
[She sighs, sniffling.]
That feels so bitter and selfish. I just hate feeling left out! Left out and left behind. It feels like I didn't matter. Like nothing I was when I was alive even mattered a single bit.
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I get that.
[And he does. That maybe the most significant, important thing he did was dying. But it's not quite the same; at least there were people who remembered him.
Reimi wasn't so lucky. The most important person to her doesn't remember her from his childhood.]
Is part of it because Rohan doesn't remember you from then?
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[He just sort of popped out. There's something weirdly reassuring in that, somehow; Stands are supposed to be things that their users control, that are a part of them. But this makes it sound like even Moody Blues didn't want her to be sad, and came out all on his own to see his friend.
That's so nice...it's such a nice thought.]
I don't even know why I thought it was so i-important...he was just a little kid! Nobody remembers things from when they were little, I don't — I d-don't know why...
[She sniffles again; at this point, the sensible thing seems to be to just embrace the catharsis that will come of venting all of this, and go with it. She's been carrying it like a secret for a long time alone, after all.]
He's...a part of me, you know? I don't think you can die for someone without them becoming a part of you. And finding that out...it felt like, like I wasn't a part of him, somehow. I'm not...haha, I can't explain it at all, it sounds so crazy, right? But I just felt so bad...it's so stupid to feel bad about it...
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I get it. He was just a kid, and maybe the whole thing was too much for him to remember. But it hurts, and that's fine, Reimi. You feel hurt, then you let yourself.
[Moody Blues slowly rests his head on top of Reimi's, and Abbacchio keeps stroking down her back. Hell, if she wants to spend all night crying on him, he's going to let her. No question about it.]
It's good that you told me. I'm the fucking king at holding shit to myself and I know it can fuck with you.
You can be sad or angry or whatever the hell you have to be. You got every right to that. You're not a flawless saint, you're a person.
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[She slumps a little more, letting the comfortable weight of Moody Blues press her down like a blanket.]
I tried really hard to just do something else. Make myself feel better. Make it go away. I don't want him to know I feel like this because it'll just make him feel bad, and guilty, and then he'll try to fix it and I'll just feel worse...
It's not fair! It's not fair and I know it's not fair, it's not like it changes anything. I thought I was done crying about stuff like this. That's all I did for the first...I don't know. Year, maybe, I think I stopped by the time the first year was over. I just screamed and cried and kicked and nobody heard me, and pretty soon I just stopped.
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I don't care how long it takes. You can be as sad as you need to be, and you can do it around me. You have every right to that. This shit isn't fair to you.
[He reaches down, cupping her face so he can look at her. Gently, he's wiping off her tears.]
I got you. Like you've got my back. [And he won't fuck that up. Never again.]
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[Her lip trembles, but she lets him lift her face, her vision blurred as she tries to look at him and fights to keep any more tears from spilling over.]
I don't want them to know I feel like this. Because...they already did so much for me, and, and, and when it was just...you know, about catching the guy who killed me, there was an ending to it, you know? "We'll help Reimi-san", and then they did — I don't want to take that away from them. And I really thought I was done, too, I thought I was going to heaven and I was going to see Mom and Dad...
[A half-sob rattles in her throat again.]
But now it's over with and I'm still here...you know? So I don't even have that anymore. I don't want the only thing about me to be that some monster killed me. But it feels like I don't have anything else, and I know, I know I have to try things and make a future for myself but it just...sometimes it's so hard and I don't even know who I am.
M-Maybe that's why it hurt so much. Because when I'm with Rohan I know who I am, and I thought he did too. But that's not good either, right? To only know who you are because of who you are to someone else?
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[Moody Blues rubs his cheek against the top of her head, reaching out to hesitantly take her hand. Abbacchio slowly strokes her hair back.]
There's a lot I haven't said to the others either. Not because I don't think they'll listen. [They're idiots, but he loves his idiots, so.] But I just... I don't want them to have to think about before. Or that I can't do anything for them.
And defining yourself because of a person -- I'm just as guilty for that. I was useless and I was going to die before Bucciarati found me. After that, I dedicated everything to him. Even when it was smarter to not follow his lead when we betrayed the Boss.
[And he told Bruno, I only feel at peace when I'm with you. That still feels true. He's less miserable now than he'd been before, but he still feels wretched without Bruno. He wonders if he's ever going to be okay without him, and he knows how unfair it is to put that upon him.]
I can't give you any good advice. But I hear you. I get it. I promise.
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[She squeezes Moody Blues's hand, rubbing at her damp cheek with a fist made out of her free hand.]
I know he's hard to get along with. Sometimes he's even mean. But I don't want anybody to use me against him and I'm sure that they will, if they know. Someday someone will get mad and say, "I don't even know why Reimi died for you, you don't deserve it," and I can't — I won't, I can't let that happen.
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[Fuck this was rough for her. There's no easy fix, but he'll be here for her as long as she needs him to.]
Hey.
I fucking want ice cream. And you should come with me to get some. All right? And then we'll do whatever you want.
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